How
Not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship
By
Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC
Divorce Mediator and Life Coach
This
is the fourth in a six article series on relationships
Are
you one of the people who are scared to death to get involved again
in a relationship because you do not know how to NOT lose yourself?
Lauren
was married for 22 years and has been single for 2 years. She feels
like she is ready to start dating. It's taken her the last 2 years
to get over the loss of the family, her role as mother and WIFE.
During the marriage, she identified herself as "Don's wife". Her
job was to support his career, move the entire family with each
career transfer, and be super-mom (she was in charge of every medical
decision, transportation, purchasing and caring for clothing, meals,
shopping, homework, school communication, sports and extra-curricular
activities).
About
20 years into the marriage, Don began to express resentment over
the fact that he was the only bread-winner and wanted to change
their agreed-upon marital roles to some extent. Lauren could not
begin to imagine changing that agreement, as she had absolutely
no idea what going out into the workforce entailed. She was a housewife,
she was good at her job, and she was proud of her accomplishments.
When
they divorced, Lauren was depressed, terrified and confused. Who
was she now? How
would she make it on her own?
Well,
like all terrified newly divorced people, Lauren got up, breathed
and took one step at a time and eventually she created a life of
her own. She started taking classes at the community college and
discovered, she was a pretty smart cookie! That helped her self-esteem.
She even had a college professor flirt with her…another self-esteem
boost. With spousal support, child support and some money from the
sale of their marital home, she is able to meagerly scrap by, but
she is doing it on her own. She is finishing her AA degree and getting
ready to go out into the workforce.
Your
situation may not be as extreme as Lauren's, but the feelings are
still the same. She has worked hard to become independent and is
scared to start dating because she does not want to fall back into
the habit of being dependent on a man or just completely lose all
she has gained. I think this is why so many women wait longer than
men to get remarried. They are on a mission of self-discovery and
do not want to go backwards.
I
can tell you that when I separated from my husband, I remember going
to the grocery store and standing in the vegetable isle, confused
because I truly did not know what it was I wanted to buy. I was
so use to buying food for my ex-husband, that I forgot what I liked
independent from him. And I was a career woman with my own life,
and yet I still lost myself in that relationship.
So,
what do you do? How do you not lose yourself in relationship?
Here
are some guidelines:
1.
Get rid of the negative demeaning verbiage that was used by your
ex-spouse that you took on during the marriage. By this I mean
that if you were verbally or emotionally abused during the marriage
and you started believing that you were a defective person in
some way, get counseling or coaching, realize it's not true, and
let it go.
2.
Take a trip down memory lane and remember who you were before
the marriage. What did you love? What were your dreams and visions?
3.
Develop new friendships. These new friends will keep you on track.
Tell them, "I don't want to lose myself in this new relationship,
if you see me doing that, please tell me."
4.
Forgiveness is mandatory. If you are still holding onto hurt or
anger, whether in the position of a victim or martyr, you are
very likely to repeat the same pattern as before and lose yourself
again.
5.
Become active and fill your time with activities and hobbies that
you love.
6.
Love and accept yourself. The happier you are with who you are,
the more likely you will desire to continue to be the person you
have become!
7.
Learn the art of assertiveness. Being assertive allows you to
state your needs without hurting others. You have new boundaries
and are not afraid to state them. When you set and stick to boundaries,
you earn respect for yourself and you stay on track with the "new
you".
8.
Pray for help. Sometimes it's just in the asking. Sometimes the
oneness and wholeness we feel with God can replace the need to
feel enveloped with another person and thus lose yourself completely.
(This should not be read to mean that feeling whole with your
new mate is not positive, just don't lose the balance of who are).
9.
Do not become co-dependent in the relationship. A good way to
make sure this does not happen is to hold each other to the highest
standards, rather than the lowest common denominator.
10.
Don't give up friends, work, organizations, activities, hobbies,
dreams or goals which you have come to love. They may have entered
your life as a single person, yet as a partnered person, you do
not need to lose them. Remember, your new mate fell in love with
you as a person with all these activities, so don't change who
you are at your essence.
To
not lose yourself in a new relationship, commit to having fun in
that relationship. It's when things become over-burdened and you
feel like it's drudgery to relate to your new mate, you've lost
yourself.
Therapist
Edmund J. Bourne says, "Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency
to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to
such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings,
desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how
well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone
else (or many others)."
In
some cases, this is very sweet and endearing. However, only you
know if you go too far and lose yourself completely. If you had
this tendency in previous relationships, be aware and stay alert,
and monitor yourself closely when moving into a new relationship.
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