Yes,
There is Life After Divorce!
By
Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC
© 2006
This
article is directed at people over age 30 who are brave enough
to seek love again! If you were in a committed long term relationship
that ended, and you are seriously considering dating again, then
this series of articles will assist you in gaining clarity about
where you are in the process, what you want from a relationship,
how to design a great relationship, and how to be successful and
enjoy the process of self-growth and finding love one more time!
If
you have been married, or lived together in a committed relationship,
you are not naïve about love and relationships. You know that a
successful relationship is based on much more than physical attraction.
It is based on common goals, values and beliefs. Successful relationships
have a foundation of continual communication, respect and support
for each other.
It
is my goal through this series to prepare you not just for a relationship,
but to allow a spiritual partner into your life. Some people call
this finding your "soulmate". In this relationship, you will not
be asking the question, "what can you do for me?", but "what can
I do for you?". You will gain great joy from being loving and giving,
and your partner will feel the same way! That does NOT mean there
will be no challenges. In fact, when you ask for your soulmate or
a spiritual partner, that usually means spiritual growth... and
that means constantly looking at yourself, evaluating your behavior,
and making changes!
The
#1 fear I have witnessed in people thinking about starting a new
relationship is the fear of falling in love and getting hurt again.
If trust is an issue for you, then your goal is to learn how to
trust yourself (not the other person). No matter what happens, you
can handle it! This means letting go of the unrealistic attempt
to CONTROL the outcome of the relationship. Your new mantra has
to be, "whatever happens... I can handle it!".
Are
you really ready to date? Take the following test to see if you
are ready to allow a new partner into your life. Answer each question
true or false:
1.
I have been divorced at least 6 months, or separated more than
1 year.
2. Any victimization feeling I had during my divorce has subsided.
3. I have taken responsibility for my divorce, and I have taken
appropriate steps to recognize my part in the divorce and did
the necessary work to make sure those particular behaviors/beliefs
or actions do not recur in my next relationship.
4. I have dealt with the loss of dreams and future visions I had
in my last relationship.
5. I now feel neutral towards my ex-partner.
6. I can put my children's needs ahead of my own feelings towards
my ex.
7. I have forgiven my previous partner.
8. I have forgiven myself for my part in the creation of our problems.
9. I know what my values and beliefs are, and I feel confident
in myself.
10. I like myself; I just feel that my life would be even more
fulfilled if I had someone to share it with.
If
you answered true to 8 or more questions, then you are ready to
date and seek your spiritual partner. If you honestly answered false
to three or more of these questions, then it is time to work on
yourself, hire a counselor or coach, attend a self-help group, or
purchase some good books on self-growth after divorce. It is important
for you to first become the person you want to be, who will then
attract the person you want in your life.
More
food for thought: Have you dealt with your feelings around this
transition in your life? Did you know that divorce is in the top
five main stressors you can have in your life? You should have experienced
many tough feelings and emotions during this time period, such as
loss, fear, resentment, doubt, anxiety, confusion, distrust, and
feelings of being unproductive. Before you move on, you need to
have recognized and dealt with these feelings as they came up. Did
you do that?
Ask
yourself: What are the gifts of your relationship? What did you
learn? What are you most thankful for? If you know these answers...
my bet is that you are ready to start dating!
Now,
as you get ready to date, your feelings should be in the ballpark
of anticipation, energized, confidence, satisfaction, focus and
creativity. What is your own inner voice telling you about dating?
Are you ready? Ask yourself, "why do I want to date?". I have seen
many people choose the dating route only to get caught up in lustful
feelings... because truthfully, it does feel good. In fact, it feels
great to have someone in your life who thinks you are the greatest.
However, if it is only about lust, it is temporary... and what I
want for you is the ability to create a conscious partnership. A
conscious partnership is one in which there is polarity between
partners and a continual feeling of wanting and desiring to meet
the needs of the other. You adore each other... and want only the
best for the other person.
If
you have taken the path of self-growth after your last relationship
and you are clear about your part in the divorce or breakup; you
have forgiven your ex and you passed the readiness test; and you
are able to articulate the gifts from your relationship and your
intuition tells you YES, then you are ready to start dating. Go
forth and be brave! Remember to have fun, be trusting (that does
not mean be naïve), be loving and KNOW, that whatever comes your
way... you can handle it!
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