Defining
Commitment in the 21st Century
By Lori
Rubenstein, JD, CPC
Life-After-Divorce Mediator and Life Coach
Is "let's
shack up" really the new "’til death do us part?" This article will discuss
and attempt to answer this and two other related questions: How do we
define commitment today in the 21st century? Are you clear about what
role commitment plays in your relationship?
Divorce
rates have reached all-time highs, spelling misery and unhappiness for
thousands of men and women. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there
are more than 20 million divorced adults across the nation.
Furthermore,
recent statistics suggest that more than 50 percent of all current marriages
will end in divorce and another 43 percent will end in separation long
before they ever reach their Silver Anniversary.
So why commit?
Three
women, three views
My good
friend, Tina, just sent me an e-mail saying that she hasn't dated anyone
since her divorce about six months ago. And, since she's been married
and divorced three times, she insists she will never marry again. Furthermore,
any man who gets involved with her will have to understand that the word
“marriage” simply is not in her vocabulary.
At the same
time, I found myself ending a relationship with a man, who I love and
adore, because he could not make the leap to marriage, which I see as
vital to commitment.
I have another
client who has been married and divorced five times. She says that she
will not become intimately involved with someone without the commitment
of marriage. She says she wants to be honored and cherished and she believes
in the old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
How is
it that three people who want and value commitment all view it from such
different places? Where do you stand on the issue?
Audition
or commitment?
Consider
the couple who decide to move in together and see how it goes. If they
find they are compatible, then they'll get married – similar to an audition.
This may
not bode well for many people who are seeking commitment. In fact, according
to the Relationship Coaching Institute, your chances of staying married
are no better if you live together first.
Is living
together a commitment? Is promising not to date anyone else a commitment?
Is agreeing to have a child together a commitment? Is marriage these days,
in light of the high divorce statistics, still a commitment? Is sharing
finances a commitment?
Just what
is a commitment?
Promise
versus commitment
According
to David Steele, president and CEO of the Relationship Coaching Institute,
there's a difference between a promise and a commitment that includes
marriage.
"In short,
a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do,”
he says. “A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't
keep promises, I would question his or her ability to keep commitments,
as they are definitely related.”
Steele
goes on further: “A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment
is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something
you DO over time.
“A real
commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for
breaking it. And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are
no exits – mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough,
you make it work," he concludes.
To
marry or not to marry?
I recently
worked with a client who was living with a man for eight years. They have
a 6-year-old child. He kicked her out of the house, and she is now homeless,
going from friend to friend. The house was his before the relationship,
and he was the one with a job. She can't even get custody of her son because
she has nowhere to live. If she were married, she would have rights to
the house, the child and child support.
Some would
argue: Are the legal aspects the sole grounds for marriage? What about
love?
I have
another client whose live-in boyfriend left her, after 17 years, with
the house and the child but no way to make the payments. Of course, she
can go after him for child support but, since he is a self-employed handyman,
she'll be lucky if she receives $300 per month. If they had been married,
he'd have to help with expenses and/or spousal support.
Of course,
I'm giving legal examples of what can happen to people living together
without marriage or a co-habitation agreement.
A
commitment is a freeing and growing experience...
an act of trust, both of yourself and of your partner.
Heterosexual
couples who live together are similar to homosexual couples in that they
have no legal standing. Without a will, there are no inheritance rights.
Without marriage or a binding power of attorney, there are no rights to
make medical decisions about your loved one, rights to medical insurance,
etc.
What of
the marriage in which one person is keeping secrets, having affairs or
hiding money? Does the "marital contract" make one committed? Certainly
we all know many marriages that have ended in divorce.
Different
strokes for different folks
On the other
hand, some people disapprove of marriage because of those very contractual
aspects.
One woman
I know, who is emotionally stable and a professional success, is well
into her 50s and never been married because she prefers it that way. Marriage
simply remains out of the question for her, not because of any prior bad
experiences like Tina’s, but because she finds the legal ramifications
offensive. “I don’t want my love reduced to a callous business contract,”
she says.
Anne claims
that she has experienced “two very committed, happy, long-term marriages”
that simply weren’t “legal” because she does “not want the government
to interfere in my personal or romantic affairs.” She says: “We exchanged
our own vows and didn’t need a piece of paper to seal our commitment.”
According to her, when she and her partners “grew in different directions,”
they were able to part their own ways “without thousands of dollars in
legal fees.”
In addition,
Anne feels marital laws could undermine her business assets in the event
of a divorce. “He could get half of everything I’ve worked so hard for,”
she says.
Anne emphasizes
that she is not against commitment; she is against government invasion
of her privacy. In fact, Anne shudders at the thought of lawyers and court
costs in the event a potential marriage ever went sour. She says, “My
love life is none of the IRS’ business and should not affect my tax status.”
Defining
the criteria
Steele proposes
these three criteria for looking at whether a relationship is really a
commitment versus a promise:
- CRITERIA
1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship
that are kept.
- CRITERIA
2: Explicit, formal, public declaration.
- CRITERIA
3: The commitment is unambiguous to partners and others. This definition
of commitment sounds like the marital commitment, doesn't it?
One problem
we have with the term commitment is that it often gets confused with the
mental or penal definition. Our culture views men mostly as apprehensive
to make a commitment. Perhaps the main fear some men face is loss of freedom,
much like my friend Anne. Whether or not it is true, it typically is the
number one reason they cite for not getting married.
Steele says:
"Some couples have trouble with commitment because they confuse the two
definitions. They are afraid that commitment in a relationship means getting
into an institution with too much structure, control and barriers to their
freedom to be themselves. They are wrong.
“A commitment
is a freeing and growing experience. When two people make a commitment
to each other to grow, learn about life and love together, they are creating
a positive place to be. A commitment is an act of trust, both of yourself
and of your partner."
Choice
and perception
The person
afraid of the commitment has to look within to see what they don't trust
about themselves in a relationship. Will they lose themselves? Is their
sense of self not strong enough to withstand the "partnering" aspect of
a relationship?
When we
think about fear, the only way to get over it is to jump in and do it
and trust yourself that, whatever happens, you can handle it. Only after
making the leap, do many people discover the richness and fullness of
life that commitment has to offer.
Choice,
it seems, is a key component to commitment. You have many couples who
are together and are happy and content while it is their choice. Once
the choice is removed, let's say, in the case of marriage, now it's a
promise and a "contract" and is no longer representative of "free choice"
in their lives.
Reassess
your relationship to see if you are on target with your goals and dreams
as a couple.
Stepping
into the circle
Picture
the whole idea of commitment like a big round circle. From one side, it's
a gift of love, adoration and caring; from the other side, it represents
obligation, change and uncertainty. Yet, from another side, it's fun,
excitement and spontaneity. And from still another side, it's monotonous
and routine. The view of commitment changes with your own perceptions
and choices.
For those
who want a sure thing, I have to say that there is no sure thing. Even
with the act of marriage, the ultimate commitment between two people in
our society, the divorce rate still remains at 50 percent. Is there a
way to beat the odds?
To me, to
be truly committed, there must be a combination of continuing choice to
be in the relationship, heart and soul, with a legal stand in front of
people and promise type of commitment. I love the idea of every wedding
anniversary, choosing each other all over again.
We are all
different; that's what makes the world go round.
Feel free
to e-mail your comments to lori@attorney-coach.com.
I am very interested to hear what you have to say!
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